The Draw of the Law!

When I look at where I am now , and what I wanted to do with my life, I still cannot believe that I am sitting in an office all day(although it is a very nice new office block in the heart of Manchester City Centre with fantastic panoramic views), working in the "Law" (I can't see myself doing this for the next 40+ years! – this thought alone is enough to drive me out to buy a lottery ticket!)

Of all the things that I wanted to do as a kid this is really the last place I ever expected to be. I was somewhat driven by the things around me or saw! At the age of four my grandparents bought me for Christmas a fireman's helmet, with built in flashing light and siren, and a drum (I'm sure they loved my mum and dad, but now as an uncle one of the greatest joys is being the hip uncle, able to buy cool noisy presents and then leaves before they become too annoying).

From then to about the age of 8 all I wanted to do was to be a fireman (I wish I knew where my drum and fireman's helmet had got too, but for some strange reason they seemed to disappear one night in about February!)

I was then bought a box of airfix toy soldiers, and a military career seemed to be the way forward. Yes I had played with the green plastic figures and now I wanted to do it for real (plus I was an army brat anyway and so had a lot of militaria around me!) [To be honest I still wonder about applying! I know I have about 12 months to do it, and every month or two I wander past the army careers office and contemplate just stepping in!]

After the army came Top Gun (the film!) That was it I decided, I'd either be a fast jet fighter pilot.............. or an actor! Yes something of a strange mix. I know that I was attracted by the thought of fast flying, but I can also see the attraction of being someone new every week. (There have been times over the last few weeks/months when I would have given my right hand to be someone else, somewhere else.) But again common sense/reality reasserted itself (I would be too tall to fly fast jets/and I really wasn't that good an actor [in fact other than at slapstick I was really bad!])

By the time of GCSEs I was torn between Medicine and Law (with two younger sisters I had been subjected to Ally McBeal (I think that that is how you spell it!!!) and I have to admit that the lifestyle portrayed seemed fantastic! In Court all day cross examining witnesses, young female lawyers in short skirts, crazy senior partners and then down to the bar at the bottom of your office for drinks and karaoke!) This image was quickly dispelled when doing an internship at a local firm I was handed a box of 40 files all relating to a single trust, and told to read through it (I didn't remember any of the cast of the US Legal shows having to read things, they were far to busy with their madcap lifestyles!)

When this crushing blow was compared with the excitement of seeing surgery there was only one way to go! Here I come medicine! After three years at university studying anatomy I again realised that medicine wasn't quite what I had expected, and I was not sure how I could face another five years studying to become a doctor (looking back how little I knew! Five years as a student......five whole years of student lifestyle......with some of the craziest, most alcohol driven, morally loose people I have ever met!!!!!! What was wrong with me? I should have jumped at an extra five years rather than entering full-time employment!)

It's somewhat concerning that after all this time in a profession, and all the time and costs that it has taken to get here, that I am pretty sure that it's not what I want for the rest of my life (and I have still yet to see mixed toilets in an office or a dancing baby [although I think that if I did that would be definitely the time to get out of Law!])

I think if I could now do anything, and money was not an option I would open a small bistro somewhere (and yes I know that complaining about long hours in Law would be nothing compared to the time and effort that you have to put in to make a restaurant a success) cooking simple but tasty food to which you would all be invited.

If I hear "You're too good for me!" one more time.....

............I THINK I'll SCREAM!

I don't expect another relationship, and at the moment I am not looking for one, but I really hate the world's lamest excuse for a break-up "You are too good for me!". I understand that relationships change as do people's feelings, and you can't help that, but I would rather be told the truth "I don't love you anymore!" or "There is someone esle!" At least with that you can understand, although probably not make it any easier.

"Your too good for me!" or "I don't make you happy" is just a non-excuse. How can someone be too good to someone? or how can someone know how they make someone else feel!

I will readily admit that when I am in a relationship I put my heart on my sleeve and throw my whole self in, and this has often resulted in me being extremely hurt. But being TOO NICE.......

I blame my Father and Grandfather! They are (or were) real gentlemen. I was brought up to respect women. Just little things like to walk on the outside when on the road, to open doors and to allow them to sit down before me. This has nothing with disrespect (and it may be considered old fashioned) but I don't think I can change now!

I have done enough things during my life that I am not proud of, that are not "nice" or "good", but I would not do those to someone that I am in a relationship with, to someone to whom I have given my heart.

Do women want just a "Bad lad" who will hurt them or give them the run around? I can understand that there is some excitement in that, but if that is what women want I get the feeling I'm going to be alone for a while!

Relationship confusions

I promise that I will stop boring people with my latest relationship disaster shortly, but I wondered if anyone in "blogland" had any advice about women!

I have said that I enjoy relationships where I make people happy, and I thought that I had one until a few weeks ago! Working in Manchester and living in Hull I am the first to admit that when I got home in the evening, usually about 8pm (after a 5am start) I was not really in the best of conditions to go out and hit the clubs, but I was always happy to go to the cinema or the pub or out for a meal, or even just a walk in the park (usually for which I paid......although I have to say that I was glad to do so!). Unfortunately The Girl was somewhat less accomodating.

Unfortunately there seemed to be some reason why we couldn't do something most evenings. Tuesdays were here weight watchers night, Wednesday and Thursday were taken up with meeting her Stitchetts ( a group of girls who she would meet up with and stitch at one of their homes or at a local coffee shop) [whenever it was at our flat I would be dismissed for the night!] and Fridays were undoubtedly spent travelling to see her friends elsewhere. I was not included in this, although I was expected to drop her off and pick her up afterwards.

I don't know if I am just being sensitive, but she would regularly travel to Manchester to see friends! These friends were two ex-boyfriends who she would spend the night with (often sharing a bed with one of them!) I was told that nothing happened, and I believed her, because I trusted her! She would come home and constantly tell me how great the night was, and how she hoped that neither of them would get a girlfriend as that would spoil her relationship with them. Even then this really hurt, but as I said I trusted her and I didn't want to be controlling or seem boring.

A few months ago The Girl developed a DVT that spread to her lungs, and was a very scary time for me, although The Girl didn't seem to understand how serious this was. She was in hospital for about 10 days during which I was getting about 7 hours at home after visiting her in hospital before heading off to work again. This I did gladly and during which she would repeatedly tell me that she loved me and wanted to be with me, yet all of a sudden three weeks later she decides that she isn't happy and doesn't want to be with me anymore!

To say that I was shocked is a bit of an understatement! I tried to be understanding! "why are you not happy? Is there something I can do? I will try and be home more in the evening!" but she had decided that she wanted to move out. This was then replaced by having to comfort her as her family seemed to distance themselves from her, apparently not happy with her decision, so it ended up with me comforting her while she cried in our flat about how everyone hated her! (not sure if that was really my job whilst my heart was hanging by a thread). She decided she had to move out but had nowhere to go, so I agreed to keep the flat on for another 2 months so that she had plenty of time to get somewhere sorted, and even to help her sort her stuff out. In the end she moved into a friend's house .

I have tried to remain distant, although she has been on the telephone every so often wanting me to do something else. This was until a fortnight ago. The Girl had collected a number of potted plants that looking back seemed to mean more to her than me. These were left at the flat, and as I was moving out I didn't want them to die. I took them round to her mother's although I didn't stop. This lead to a number of messages from her mother saying that I should have stopped and that she wanted to catch up. Having emptied all my stuff out of the flat over the weekend, and feeling really quite down, I decided to put down my feelings in a letter. I have known where The Girl is now living, although I don't have her address, and as I wasn't going to just turn up at her door, so I dropped the letter off with her mum. I was invited in and got to play with the Lil Kitties (two cats, Fred and Lilly that although I wasn't a cat person before I really began to love seeing.) After a quick fur fix, I was talking to The Girl's mum, when I was accused of having cheated on her! To say I was fuming was an understatement.

I understand that this arose because after changing my status on Stalkerbook a female friend jokingly put on my status that we could be public about our relationship. Putting aside the fact that I had no interest in this friend, that she had a boyfriend, that she was my friend's sister, that I have never cheated on anyone whilst in a relationship (I lie......I once kissed another girl at a disco when I was 17 and felt so guilty I could never do anything like that again!) and that The Girl knew all this, to me the key thing was that after all that I had done for her (gladly) every minute of everyday of the last two years (and even afterwards) and had clearly given my whole life to her she could still try and blame me for the breaking up of the relationtionship.

I realise that this is probably attempts to justify her decision to her friends and family, but whilst I could accept her destroying me physically and mentally, to then ruin my reputation I couldn't understand! I told her that whilst we were together I would not read her blog.....this was her space and I respected this, I kinda made the mistake of reading it after we split up in the hope of finding some answers! (REALLY REALLY WISH I HADN'T).

This all culminated in a telephone call yesterday morning to complain that I had taken her TV (this was bought with some money from her mother and the remainder we split.) I had told her from the start that the TV was hers. When I moved out on Sunday, including the curtains, I really didn't want to loose the security deposit because someone had broken in to take the TV that was on display. I had explained this to her mother, and texted her to advise. Still I got a missive last night after a 2 hours commute that she wanted it that evening. She said that she would get a taxi and pick it up, but like a fool I decided that it was quite expensive and I would take it to the road on which she lived and she could collect it. All I got was abuse for seeing her mother on Sunday!

I don't think that I am any great catch, nor do I expect another relationship anytime soon, I keep asking myself what I did wrong and how I could have avoided feeling so crummy now!

Anyway, I promise not to rant anymore! and I promise that I will try to avoid blogging about The Girl anymore.

I'm sorry I have just re-read this post, and it does read somewhat like a self-pitying rant. This was not what I intended. I have no regrets about the two years that I spent with The Girl, although I do realise that I was far deeper into the relationship than she was, and do feel that I was somewhat taken for granted, a mug at times and advantage of. I think the thing that really caused the greatest hurt was to be accused of cheating, and this posting was a result of the hurt that I felt. I hope you don't think too badly of me!